Unselfish Love
by DaetionNation
Summary: [After Chapter 66] Sensei has confessed his love, but something holds Suzume back- just one name: Mamura. Mamura x Suzume one shot about how it should go down.


"I love you."

She could feel her heart beat quicken in a fruitless attempt to prove that she was still living. That this wasn't a dream or a gift from death, but an actual real moment- this was _happening. _But her brain couldn't accept it. She couldn't accept his sweet sent of smoke or the strong grip of his hand or even his warm deep voice as he told her he loved her. Her Sensei. Loving _her. _

In her moment of overwhelmed bliss she tightly clenched her hands, her nails digging into her palm to prove that this really wasn't anything but reality, because the pain in her fists were the same as the pain in her heart, the fear, the anxiety- the love. She loved him. She knew she loved him. He had to know she still loved him- right?

But in an effort to prove this moment was real through pain she realized there was something blocking her path- she was holding onto something in her hand. She hadn't realized it before because those words- those earth stopping words- had drained all the blood out of her, her heart, her body, and especially her hands that have seemed to turn numb. But as she raised her shaking hand, her nails still digging deep into her palm, she suddenly felt a rush of feeling as she finally laid eyes on the object she had been clutching- her head band for Mamura.

Mamura.

_Her_ Mamura.

Not her Sensei.

"Sensei," she whispered, but her voice caught. She was weak. She was fragile.

She couldn't be fragile.

Not now.

"Sensei," she repeated, this time with newfound strength and volume; her voice resonated against the classroom, like an ominous force echoing in a room with no echo. Still, her voice carried, like a bullet shot from a gun.

And maybe it was.

Sensei blinked at her, her voice obviously surprising him as well. He carefully rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes looking anywhere but at Suzume in a moment of confusion. But then he lightly sighed to himself, in a way that made Suzume cringe inside, until finally he lifted his gaze to meet hers. "Yeah?"

She tightly gripped her headband. _Give me strength. _

"I'm not a very strong person," she started, her voice small but firm, "I'm not smart, or very pretty, and I'm not selfless or holy. I'm not brave or kind or wise or just. I'm small, and I'm frail, and I've had my heart broken too much and too easily for my liking. I look for shooting stars in daylight even though I know they don't exist, because a part of me wants to be the one who finds something impossible. I want to reach for something I know I'll never grasp."

Suzume could hear her heart in her ears, like drums against the deadly silence, a distraction from Sensei's unwavering glare.

"I've grasped you before, Sensei- my day light shooting star. I _saw _you. I reached at you and you reached out to me and for a moment I truly thought I would be able to hold on to you will all my might."

She took a deep breath.

"But I can't hold onto you."

She could see his eyes widen in surprise, and her eyes unexpectedly mimicked his, in Suzume's _own_ surprise in herself. His mouth was gaping- maybe just in surprise, maybe in an attempt to say something- but no sound came out.

"I'm too selfish to stop loving you, but I'd like to think I could be strong. Just this once- I could be strong… for _him._"

Mamura. Her boyfriend. The person who held onto her when she cried about another man and found her when she had run away. Who built snowmen with her and bought a penguin for her and gave her that damn scarf just so that she wouldn't cry over Sensei. The man in front of her.

"W-what are you saying?" He stammered, somehow regaining his voice, "You're doing this for Mamura? You don't even love him!"

"I do."

"What?"

"I _do_," she repeated, "I do love him. It's small and its frail, but its there, like a steady rock against my shaking body."

She lifted up the headband, her eyes glued to its horse symbol. "He's always giving me strength, even when I don't need it. Even when I don't think I need it- he's always there."

"And I can't do that for you?" He begged, his voice rising, "I can't give you strength?"

She sighed, his eyes desperate and angry, lonely and tired. "I love you, Sensei. You make me cry and you make me scream, and you make me sad and you make me so happy sometimes I can't even breathe. But somehow, despite how wicked I am, despite how many people I've hurt and how damaged I am, I have been able to love again. And Somehow I've gotten someone as great as Mamura to love me."

She heard her voice crack at the end, and it let out a rush of emotions with it- a tidal wave of fear, self loathing, anxiety- and love. Oh, the love. She could feel it all around her, outside of her body, like a force protecting her, over whelming the negative feelings that have somehow took root in her body.

"Mamura isn't worth this!" Sensei tried, his voice rough, "He doesn't deserve you!"

"You're right about one thing," she whispered, a silent tear rolling down her cheek, "He doesn't deserve me. He deserves better."

"No!" Sensei lunged for her, grabbing her arms tightly while pulling him into her, "I love you, Suzume! I can't think without you, breathe without you- you're my day light shooting star, remember? We're supposed to be together! Chun-Chun-"

"Daylight shooting stars aren't real!" She screamed, her emotion finally breaking through, "This was never real! It wasn't _right! _Look at me, Sensei- do you know what love is? What it _truly _is?"

His grip on her arms tightened, "I know what it is. It's what I feel when I'm with you. I know what I'm doing is selfish- I know, but I-"

She could feel her heavy breath become lighter, as if a weight was lifted off her chest. A weight that had been holding her down to a man; _this _man- a weight hindering her from fully accepting her love for Mamura. Somehow the lack of this weight gave her enough strength to place a gentile hand against Sensei's tightening grip, holding his shaking hand tightly.

"Sensei," she said lightly, "Love isn't selfish."

She thought of Mamura, and his fragile hand and his feverish blush, about his careful gaze and his poker face; about how he gave her a scarf just so she wouldn't cry over another man and how he bought that penguin for her just to cheer her up. About how even after she rejected him he stayed with her, his feelings growing stronger by the day, but never showing through- all for her. All because of Suzume.

She placed her free hand on her heart, clutching her heart tightly, as if it could settle her beating heart, overflowing with _him, _ringing with every steady beat- _Mamura. Mamura. Mamura. _

"Love," she continued, "Love is unselfish. It's sacrificing yourself for someone else. It's when all you want is to please that one person, to the extent that you don't even have time to think about yourself. You don't even _want _to think about yourself. It's only them, because they are your heart now, and they keep you beating and keep you alive and you have no reason to believe in anything or anyone else but your heart."

"That's what love is. I see it everyday- in _him. _Sensei, you don't love me. You may want me, but you don't love me."

She pushed his now limp hand off of her arm.

"Not enough, anyway."


End file.
